This Too Shall Pass February 26, 2009

Nothing is forever in this life.

As I sit here typing on this keyboard, my eyes are burning from a restless night and lots of crying. God always seems to pick the middle of the night to speak to me.

I have really been struggling about something for almost a year. Pushing it back and pushing it back. Last night it came crashing into my bedroom while I slept, like a freight train. Poor Michael, he has to get up early and he is always the one next to me when God opens my eyes. He just listened while I poured my heart out. I thought by the time I left for work I had it under control. But the thinking and crying started again. Uncontrollably the tears fell down my face as I drove down the road, crying out to God to help me understand. Still crying when I got to work, I knew I couldn’t be in the same room with fourteen 4-yr-olds. So I went to the sanctuary and put my face flat on the altar and cryed again to God: “I am a lover, not a hater. Please Lord, take this hate from me!” I regained control and went to sign in when a co-worker said, “smile Jamie.” And of course you know that sent me right back to instability.

Thank God I work at the church I attend. My pastor was right there to counsel me this morning. I can only imagine what he was thinking at first. Almost hysterically crying I told him “I’m ashamed to say it…..I HATE PEOPLE!” I felt torn and beaten. Broken like never before. Like I was wrestling with God like Jacob wrestled with God  in that tent. I felt like God opened my eyes and I was still wrestling with what to do. I have a really great, caring pastor who talked with me and explained some things and prayed for me. I was able to go to my class and I have made it through the day. I texted Michael “I talked to Mr.Porter and I feel better.” He texted back “Wonderful. I should have called him at 3:30 this a.m. haha”